a few jokes about life
Grandma tells Pa, If you don’t feed
the cows they’ll starve to death.
Which seems obvious. Pa says that
he fed the cows last week, but he
has no sense of time. He gets into
the truck with the hay forks to go
and feed the cows, but the truck’s
battery is dead. So, he goes back
to watching Andy Griffith reruns.
Now my mom watches Andy
Griffith On Amazon Prime. You
can get anything from there- giant
boxes of toilet paper, enough to
supply a family for three months.
Grandma calls; Dad takes the phone
And tells her the same things: reverse
Mortgages are bad, I’ve done the math.
You must reinvest before 100 days to
avoid the Capital Gains tax. Quit giving
money to your druggie son. You can’t sell
land in the Oklahoma Panhandle in a week.
SO STOP TRYING TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We’re going out to stop this, he decides.
I go and sit by Pa. He turns the TV down.
When I was 8, Pa let me watch a movie
with werewolves. I’m 19 and scared to
death of silver moons. His hair reminds me
of a silver moon. I don’t mind when he calls
me a giraffe. I do mind when he asks how I
know that Trump hasn’t made us great again.
Grandma comes in with a trash bag. She
grabs Pa’s toothbrush; he’s forgotten how
to use it, anyways. Mom really starts to cry,
because when she was 12, grandma said
You’re too old and threw away her Barbie dolls.
I’m nineteen now, and I still sleep with my doll.
I help my brothers remove old window screens that
Let the wasps in during the day and the moths at
night. Grandma can’t replace them because she
doesn’t have the money to buy ‘Wasp-b-gone.’
My parents would help, but I’m in college,
one brother is driving, and the other is in
braces. Just because you’re an engineer
Doesn’t mean that you can get guacamole
On your burrito without thinking twice.
You should help him brush his teeth! Mom
yells. She never yells. I’m sick of this! I’m
done! I want to leave! I want it all GONE!
GONE!
GONE!
My brothers and I dissolve into fits of silent
laughter. We cover our mouths and fall over,
trying to contain ourselves. Grandma’s lost it.
We don’t feel bad about laughing. If you don’t
you’d be screaming. And as we stifle screams
Andy Griffith’s whistle floats on the silence.
Claire Patton is a Public History graduate student at Oklahoma State University. Her work focuses on the Digital Humanities, Indigenous history, and the study of women in rural areas. Claire enjoys reading classic literature, drinking coffee, and petting her evil cat, Sophie.