Affirmative Action

I don’t affirm my actions
I only give my affirmations
for struggling in the crockpot
best pour some gravy over that
guiso de res
I was a young kid
playing with my friends
drinking water from soda bottles and auga fresca con mis conpas
i could only see
a tiny view
my mother juggling credit lines to feed her
two kids
I was 6 years old when they first
made me work the knife
calling insurance companies
speaking a tongue so foreign
I can only try to help
I’m only here because of you

in middle school
I grew up in the panopticon
children of fields
all of us
separated the chaff
from the wheat
i remember mr.fitting
telling us we will sit
here until we learn to behave
I couldn’t believe it
what a fitting knife
the first class struggle was
in a class struggle
you know what it’s like
to raise a tree in a concrete cave?
i couldn’t believe the irony
the pain of being labeled
something you know you’re not
part of the immigrant experience
is the humiliation with being told
and confirmed to a box
and a canary who shouldn’t betray the need
to want more than we think you deserve I could learn a2+b2=c2
Instead I chose to be
a bleeding heart
for my family and friends
when I held my hand in solemn prayers I only thought
It went unheard
I was afraid of the kids who had more than me
every kernel of corn
is worth something
stop telling me to behave and stop telling me
to grow up
I just wanna be a kid and play with my friends
and sing in the schoolyard I wanna paint and draw
I wanna read and learn I wanna be free from expectations of a common system
that fails it students
i wanna live as scholarship

In high school
they labeled me a faggot
for my dog vans and my skinny jeans
for my blazer and my music taste
a compromised need for approval
already gone at the tender age of 13
the first question of being who I am?
stressed, thinking about my mother
they tell you the american dream
Is a picket fence line and a garage
a white marble countertop
a fridge with that fancy touch screen
to get some ice
so you can pour yourself a whiskey neat or a diet soda pop
slipping through the cracks
like trying to catch water
with your palms overlapping
I was 16 taking my grandmother
to her appointments
my outlook cynical and skewed
I could only dream and think
I couldn’t write or arithmetic
i was a child of the words
learnt from my parents
the price of wasting your time
learning to waste time
I was always on two sides
of the same the coin
i wanted more
I could only name a few people
who gave me a piece of their heart
I wear it brazenly and proudly
weirdly and inappropriately
fucked up and angry
a young saint
when she swayed her chalk
on the board
taking the time to listen to the sound of numbers and things
colors and shapes
she said
I believe in you, you’re just a kiddo
and the man made of gold
who showed me a brave new world
and holden caulfield
and when I didn’t have a father
a man who showed me how to tie a tie and
a man who showed me what it means
to love someone
and how to show up in the face of disappointment
and when I didn’t think I could show up
i was center stage
a black sheep and
a white elephant
turned a sunflower
reaching for the suns breath
and when you told me to write more
you changed the trajectory of my life
you see there’s more to life to that anger and
while it’s marks are still there I never forgot what you did for me
a kitty cat
a southern belle
a good man is hard to find
killings the short story
the truth of escaping the idea
that our pain are chains
when they should be the ink blots
whether it be a keystroke or a pen stroke
and not a gunshot
running through my temple
god doesn’t choose morality
we do - I digress, i'm tired of pretending
that evil is natural
when it’s overall a choice
I know I’m a diamond in the rough
a raisin in the sun
a Ivy reaching for the stars
my conviction unmatched
my resolve unsung
and I’m unbroken
in college
It was the first time I felt like
I mattered
an HSI gave me the chance
to be free and to be myself
to be curious and without repercussions
an intellectual curiosity
that had been reserved
for the leisurely class
it was a burden to be burdened
was pulling shots and moving blocks
i did it all
from wetting asbestos walls
to steaming milk
to delivering food
to construction work
to pipetting
to rushing into the notification area
I spent all night
watching remy ratatouille
and reading allegory of the cave
the weirdest of the bunch
when I was a square and not a box
i was an oval and not a circle
a was an angle but not a tri
I wrote about stuff people never
really thought about
sana sana colita de rana
from columbia university
to wake forest to new york university
to Icahn school of medicine
to the university of virigina
I remember the first time
i got paid a stipend
I cried - I couldn’t believe I got that much
I was used to not having shit
I stared at my bank account and had dreams
a fire that never died every penny saved and a penny I had earned
you were never in the picture
but I still cared anyways
and then covid came
it first took your job
then your health
then your food and clothing
then your shelter and business
and when you had nothing
and showed up empty handed
like an empty bottle floating ashore
like a luminous shimmer on a rainy city night
i reached out to you
and gave you what you never gave me
I fed you
I clothed you
I paid your rent
and when your diabetes ravaged your body
I paid for your medicine
and your insulin
and when they left you used up and dried out
I gave you a bit of a love
that was so innocent
and a promise - I deep down knew
you couldn’t honor
you needed to fly back and cremate her too you buried your mother that night
i buried my father too
and when you fled - I knew you’d never come back and my house of cards
all came tumbling down.
and the arguing started
and your empty promises made me
a man of regret
things I had only short lived
paradise lost - Sisyphus must continue
the bills started piling up and the phone calls kept coming and coming
still, i pushed forward
tens of thousands of dollars in debt
i didn’t even tell my mom
a man shall not cry
If only in his bathroom
I grew so angry and so bitter
how many hollow truths can we tell each other
I was only born
so my dreams could thrive
I know there’s a sense of urgency
whenever I hear your name or think
of the tie we share
It makes my blood boil
like teapots screaming
do you know what it’s like
to have your father snuff you out?
take your money?
to know that in a lot of ways
that's you
and this isn’t a hyperbole
this isn’t some white suburbia drama
this is the story of a
young latino male
whose paint is pride and humility and humbleness anger and hunger
love and rage
but enough about him
but enough about the men who let me down
and snuffed me out and showed me out

let’s talk about the men & women
and every human in between
I owe great deal of credit to
for opening doors bigger then
fatherly heaven's gate
first things first
ali, I know you had the nightmare terrors
of things and fleeting hopes and dreams
but because of you
you stowed a fire that burned brighter
then bright
that burnt like someone who had walked
on fire and brimstone
you took me in, when no one believed in me
you gave me the chance to dream and
most importantly to fail
if I knew all the languages in the world I
still couldn’t give thanks for what you did
you gave me a voice when I already had a
pencil and paper
you spoke eloquently
and I admired your words and your voice
you taught me how to speak
how to write
and how to pursue opportunity
you opened my eyes
to the endless possibilities that
destiny had predisposed me to
and whenever I thought I wasn’t qualified
because of the title in front of my name
or the balance on my bank account
or the education I had received, lack thereof
you pushed me into the land of opportunity
making belief palpable, like a warm embrace
because of you I decided to stay

and to the black men & women
who accepted me with open arms
and gave me the chance to pursue
a once in a lifetime opportunity
i cannot thank you enough
uncle marcus & ashley
to deya
and Dr. Hutchinson
for giving me the opportunity
I remember I was at columbia
In awe- such an institution
it fueled my dreams only further
what it felt like
my head in the clouds
i met my friends and my resolve only became
stronger than chainmail and chain links because
of you - you gave me the stepping stone to
pursue an education, to pursue my dreams to
have the heart to keep going
to want to one day
call myself an m.d
From cuny cstep and crsp
to columbia shpep and neramedprep
to winning second place at
Icahn school of medicine
to wake forest engaged

I’m a product
of
affirmative action
and this isn’t
for the yippies and yuppies
you see affirmative action
isn’t about getting into schools
on the basis
of the colors of your skin
a you’ve been admitted to Harvard
or Swarthmore or Princeton
or Cal-Tech or Stanford
it’s about giving the young men and women
and everyone in between
who had been through more than you can know
I’m tired of hearing that we don’t have diaspora
or that my culture doesn’t value education
and I’m tired of hearing that I am a pity admittance
i am a product of my struggles
and the fire that has burned ever since I was a kid
and I am a product
of all the people I’ve met - good and bad
I am the beauty in that ugliness
and I am that pride in the humiliation
I have been showed out
i have been laughed at and humiliated, I’ve been showed out and mocked,
I have been ridiculed
I have been jumped and kicked to the ground
I have ran home afraid of being humiliated
I have been told I would never make it
I’ve been dirt broke and hungry
too ashamed to tell my mom and my step dad
and when they tell us we ain’t gonna make it
I say enough

I had the heart to keep going forward
and the drive and courage to try again
you see
If you could understand and if only
I could make you feel what I felt
and how my heart still beat
like a violent apparatus in the machine
that never wavered and never gave up
if I could make you feel that hunger
you’d love like i loved too
we are the children of the sun
playing in the fields
wondering if we can make our dreams
a reality
my affirmative action
is to chase my dreams
until the day i
die.
until my heart stops beating
until my lungs stops breathing

Intergenerational Translation: Remembering The Sisulak Family

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