Breeding Lilacs

Since the end of last winter
I longed to see the leaves fall
I longed to see them buried in snow
Snow longed for that never comes
No burying of memories, but memories of the buried
Where under the spring freshness, pink tart cherries
Pollen spewed into that clean air
Rain-washed wind with which our nostrils love to flirt
Like you and your allergies, your asthma inhaler
Your oversized heart, your daytime fatigue
Your early diagnosis suffixed with failure
Guarantees for a premature death
I remember now that it's been nearly five years
After completing twenty-nine, your death at twenty-eight
I remember Eliot's claim that April is the cruelest month
And I find solace in these words of another dead man
I contemplate his honesty, as I grieve my honest friend
On the day of your death, you left behind the girl you loved
She cried for years, still cries; I think she is doing well
At your burial I was alone, as I always was, you know
I dream to have what you have, you'd say, I...envy you
I have today what you had then: a woman to love, a plan
But I remember how this was taken from you
How your widow is still crying for her loss
What will I do if I'm cursed with failure?
Or what will I do if I must grieve once again?
We're marrying in April in a secular wedding
But she too has an enormous heart
And she too sniffles often, rubbing her eyes
She too oversleeps and never prays to God
Yet I dream to reverse the curse of surprise
To anticipate death and embrace even loss
I study the poets, the thinkers, the stoics
Seeking Nirvana on anti-nirvanal Earth
Knowing that if death strikes even one more
Just like your fiancé
I'll cower away
To cry

Jacob Reina is as a tutor from Fresno, California who is currently enrolled as an English student at Fresno State. His poems have been featured by Poet's Choice, Prometheus Dreaming, Allegory Ridge, and Cathexis Northwest Press. In addition to reading and writing, he loves traveling and photography.