Campus Reverie

We're walking past the tallest building on campus
When you say how you'd love to see the view of the mountains from the top,
And I agree, but my mind flashes
Back in time to when I was a different person
And the top of a building held more than a photo-op.
You notice, of course,
But I'm at a loss for words when you ask what's wrong.

How do I begin to explain
Not trusting what's in my own head,
Let alone my heart?
How do I tell you, without making you fear,
How my past thoughts were drenched in red
And defined by a whistling sound?
And though years have passed since a Plan was kept
In the cards I held close to my chest,
Sometimes I fear I am still playing the game,
Uncertain of my next move until I have already made it.
How do I know when I have won my life back,
And how do I know if I really want to keep it?

You, who are so open, so at ease with yourself
As you decide where you want to go and how to get there-
Could you look at me the same if I confessed?
Or would I always be at the top of that building in your mind,
Out of reach, one foot on the edge,
Equally close to joining the stars above and the worms below?

This uncertainty is not your burden to bear.
It is mine, and I bear it well, or well enough,
And perhaps some bright day we'll reach the top
And take pictures
And when it's time to go,
I'll follow you without a second thought
Of how the girl I used to be would make use of that vantage point.

Danielle is a student, an activist, and a lover of all things sci-fi and fantasy. She has had her writing published in "Trillium," "Apprentice Writer," and "50 Haikus."