Discussion on Mental Illness: a Mother’s Hope for Help
This author has chosen to write under a pen name.
Our neighbors recently flagged down my husband, Ken, as he was pulling into our driveway. They wanted to share that their son, a 2019 college grad, was moving out of their house. With their youngest daughter off to college, their son renting an apartment felt more profound.
Ken acknowledged their big day with a bit of small talk and a joke about feeling jealous. Then he dragged himself through the door of our home, where the uncertainty of living with an adult child suffering from undiagnosed mental illness leaves the entire family walking on eggshells. I winced as he told me about our neighbors’ good fortune. We only dream of having Darren, a recent college graduate and the oldest of our six children, responsible and healthy enough to live on his own.
While the pandemic is blamed for so much turmoil, I credit it with opening our eyes to Darren’s issue. Things aren’t easy to hide from a large family living under one roof during forced lockdown. Between the marijuana use he claimed he needed to ‘clear his head,’ the bullying of his siblings, and his refusal to own his behavior, Ken and I grew more and more concerned.
Kate, our sixteen-year-old daughter, stared at her plate during meals, afraid of her oldest brother’s wrath if she looked up. Darren relentlessly got in a younger brother’s face, insisting on aggressively delivering unsolicited pointers during driveway basketball. When I left the gallon of skim on the counter while fixing my breakfast, Darren blamed me after he absent-mindedly poured it in the blender. Neglecting to use his preferred almond milk in his protein shake, my son became irate. Anyone who challenged Darren could expect an outburst.
After witnessing his poor performance, the boss from Darren’s long-time summer job at a golf course called Ken wondering if something was happening. Additionally, just before the restaurant where Darren worked part-time let him go for being unreliable, he quit.
Because of disruptive moods exhibited during remote final exams and his job search, I gathered that stress compounded Darren’s challenges. Ken and I agreed, while our oldest always struggled a bit socially, dealt with extreme oversensitivity, and failed to own his behavior as a teen, this was different.
Unfortunately, our son refuses to recognize that he has a problem or that he might benefit from a neuropsychological exam. Since his age qualifies him as an adult, we cannot insist on treatment. Despite a lack of sufficient funds, he recently left home. I wouldn’t classify this as ‘moving out.’ He left behind most of his belongings. With few local friends, we believe that he’ll soon wear out his welcome wherever he’s presumably crashing. Over the course of the last few weeks, he has sent us multiple hateful and manipulative text messages. While our son refuses to seek medical intervention, we fear that he might lose his job, burn more bridges, or crash his car since his impulsivity manifests in reckless driving.
Ken and I have turned to various resources including workers at NAMI, National Alliance for Mental Illness. They’ve encouraged us to set boundaries and stick with them to avoid enabling Darren. Our kitchen is littered with books on mental illness that have provided us with good information as well.
According to experts on mental illness, “the underlying problem is often that you can’t ‘fix’ him because he is not ready to be fixed. It is more than likely that he does not share your perception that things have gone awry. He may refuse to enter rehab, seek professional help, or do anything to improve the current debacle that is his life” (Adamec 23).
We cannot accurately diagnose Darren without a neuropsychological evaluation conducted by a psychiatrist, but we’ve poured over descriptions of various possibilities. Symptoms associated with Borderline Personality Disorder seem to align with what we’re witnessing in Darren. BPD is the focus of an article posted on the National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder’s website. In it, we learned that “an estimated 2% of the population has BPD, a type of personality disorder that is characterized by intense and unstable interpersonal relationships, poorly regulated emotions, self-destructive impulsivity and unstable self-image” (Valliant 2).
Ken and I differ in how we approach problems. I tend to share with close friends, while Ken prefers to keep things under wraps. My therapist, who is part of the group that Darren once saw, urges me not to share our current situation, reminding me that then the information is “out there.” Even though I know this is Darren’s problem and he might not want his health crisis shared, the impact on the rest of the family is palpable. It seems unfair to expect me not to describe what we are dealing with to friends. Doesn’t keeping quiet feed the stigma surrounding mental illness?
If Darren broke his leg, he’d seek medical attention. Instead, his struggle isn’t as straightforward. Although it has caused much heartache, we’re supposed to put on a happy face and not explain our circumstances to anyone. As a result, Ken and I have begun to avoid social situations. I cringe when I run into a friend at the grocery store, knowing how difficult it’ll be to pretend everything is fine.
Most people who meet our son find him engaging and personable. It’s hard for anyone to grasp the different behaviors he sometimes displays. When I decided to share our crisis with a close sister-in-law, I grew frustrated. She brushed off what I was saying, citing common difficulties recent graduates face when re-entering their parents’ home. This encounter reminded me that it’s difficult for others to relate, and perhaps it’s best not to share.
In addition to the role genetics play in BPD, most people who suffer from this personality disorder endured emotional or physical abuse in childhood (Kreisman 17). Our role in Darren’s struggle upsets me. I think back to how we parented Darren, and I feel strongly that our home was full of love, affection, and support. Of course, every parent makes mistakes, but what were ours? It’s hard not to fixate on our parenting flaws.
I feel guilty for not pulling Darren from the grade school where he was bullied. I wonder if the bullying he endured impacted his mental status. “Bullying can begin in the earliest grades and it often goes undetected. To be bullied means that every day the child faces shame. [...] The impact of a lifetime of bullying persists into adulthood and the separation of time and distance from the experience is only partially healing” (Adamec 7). Despite how frequently I came to his aid, urged him to speak up for himself, and encouraged positive play dates, I wonder if I could’ve done more.
While we grapple with Darren’s issues and ping pong between sleeplessness, prayer, research, and what direction to attempt next, I reached out to Fred, a young man who I know has also struggled with mental health issues. Part of me hoped that Fred’s situation would parallel Darren’s. I longed to have someone with a similar experience hand me a foolproof plan, a guaranteed guide, a sure-fire solution.
Fred, a burly guy with an expressive face and a quick smile, sat down with me recently to describe his journey from diagnosis to well-being. His story begins in high school when his mom noticed something. She requested that his primary care doctor prescribe medication for depression. While his mom wanted him to take the meds, she admitted that she couldn’t make him. After giving it a try, he stopped. Now he realizes that he failed to give the medication enough time to work. He didn’t like the way meds made him feel. Friends, coaches, and teachers noticed a change in his normally somewhat hyper, energetic demeanor. They constantly asked him if he was OK. The meds made him feel “more quiet, more chill.”
Butting heads with his mom became the norm. He describes occasions that he prefaces with “not proud of it,” when he broke things during temper flares. He got in his mom’s face at times. When he suspected that his younger sisters and his mom were scared of him, he felt upset with himself.
Fred credits his close relationship with his grandfather for the reason he eventually sought answers. His grandpa sat him down and told him, “To be a man, just admit to it, and just get it fixed. Do something about it.” Fred hesitated. He felt that having diabetes was enough. He didn’t want to feel different in another way.
Shortly after starting community college, Fred began to worry. He describes how he wanted to “be separate from [his] parents. Do [his] own thing. That’s when things started spiraling out of control. Wanted to be [his] own man, pay for [his] car, insurance, phone, tuition, and everything . . . little things got [him] nervous. [Could he] do this?”
After his first semester, his grandpa’s words hit home and without telling his mom, who he describes as hovering, he scheduled an appointment to have a neuropsychological evaluation. He was diagnosed with ADHD, Bipolar II Disorder, Clinical Anxiety, and Major Depressive Disorder. He didn’t want to tell his mom, not wanting to give her the satisfaction of being right.
It wasn’t until I spoke with Fred and I learned of his type II Bipolar diagnosis, that I investigated the different forms of Bipolar Disorder. There are three degrees of Bipolar deciphered by varying levels of symptoms (Matas 1). Oftentimes mentally ill patients present with more than one disorder. Some diagnoses are confused with others, some are overlooked, and some are difficult to identify. For example, Borderline Personality Disorder is often confused with Bipolar Disorder (Mason 18).
I discovered in my reading that “despite being more common than schizophrenia and bipolar disorder combined, borderline personality disorder remains one of the least understood and most stigmatized mental illnesses” (Valliant 1).
Taking medication long enough to feel the positive impact has been the answer for Fred. He tried talk therapy, but decided that wasn’t for him. He wanted to say things once, not dwell on it. He learned of his family history, and things began to make sense. He already knew his grandpa and his mom had similar issues, but now a cousin his age was also diagnosed.
His medications need to be changed at times when they become less effective or when costs increase. Adjusting meds always makes him nervous. “You have to wean off of one medication before starting the next. Plus it takes a while (two or three months) for a medication to work,” Fred explained.
Twelve or thirteen years successfully medicated, Fred feels good, but recognizes there are still peaks and valleys. The pandemic posed additional difficulties for him, a routine-oriented guy. He prefers to have his coffee, walk his dog, and be ready to roll at work after the 40 minute commute. Working from home threw him off for a while, but he has adjusted.
Fred recognizes that his mom wanted the best for him, and that his behavior damaged their relationship for some time although she won’t admit that. Today he refers to his mom as his best friend, but he feels she should’ve given him more space back in the day. At the time, he didn’t want help.
As a mother with a son who has me worried, full of self-blame, helpless, and hopeful for medical intervention, I understand how space can be the last thing a mom in this situation thinks to dole out. Due to my own personal experiences, I verify that “most families of troubled adult children face constant anxiety as a result of their loved one’s unpredictable and uncontrollable behavior.” (Adamec 5).
Fred’s story presents differently than Darren’s, but it gives me hope that Darren will eventually get the help he needs. If only he’d grasp the concept so bluntly and eloquently put by Fred’s grandpa: “Get it fixed. Do something about it.”
Sources
Young, Joel L., MD, and Christina Adamec. When Your Adult Child Breaks Your Heart. Guilford,
Connecticut, Lyons Press, 2013.
Valliant, Melissa. "Most Accurate Article on BPD We Have Read- Kudos." NEA BPD, edited by Marc
Peirs, National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder, 2020,
www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org/most-accurate-article-on-bpd-we-have-recently-read-kudos/.
Accessed Oct. 2020.
Dutil, Aaron. "What Is The Difference Between Bipolar 1 And 2?" better help, edited by Alon Matas, 28 Aug. 2020
www.betterhelp.com/advice/bipolar/what-is-the-difference-between-bipolar-1-and-2/?utm_source=AdWords&utm_medium=Search_PPC_c&utm_term=_b&utm_content=88831678748&network=g&placement=&target=&matchtype=b&utm_campaign=6459244691&ad_type=text&adposition=&gclid=CjwKCAjwq_D7BRADEiwAVMDdHk6WMk-euT7xcJjHXkdPfRQKFNz0ZV-yQp1KdIT-9LahlfHs1dp9QBoCel4QAvD_BwE
Accessed 8 Oct. 2020.
Kreisman, Jerold J., MD. Talking to a Loved One With Borderline Personality Disorder. Oakland, CA,
New Harbinger Publications, Inc., 2018.
Mason, Paul T., MS, and Randi Kreger. Stop Walking on Eggshells. Second ed., Oakland, CA, New
Harbinger Publications, Inc.
As a stay-at-home mother to six kids ages 14-24, work conditions for Maureen often feel hostile and overtime is rarely awarded. Maureen attributes middle-child birth order with her insistence to stand her ground, rely on her sense of humor, and refuse to be overlooked. She carves out time to write in her spare time, in lieu of cleaning up after her messy brood.