The Growth Writes The Story
I remember my lowest moments. I remember how the depression felt. It wasn’t just a deep sadness but, in some weird way, it was almost like an out-of-body experience as well. I think it all became real to me when one of my aunts looked into my eyes and asked, “Where is my Jewel?” The truth is I hadn’t the slightest clue because, while I knew I hadn’t been myself for such a long time, I didn’t exactly know why.
Devastating experiences can do that to you. They can displace your personality while you’re trying to figure out exactly what it means to survive the pain. I spent my days doing whatever felt right. I simply didn’t have the strength to dive into everything I had been doing wrong. From lashing out at family members to acting out of my normal character, those days of my life were more confusing than ever. I had spent my nights trying to figure out what I needed to be happy and spent my days making one mistake after another.
Reflecting on those times used to make me cringe. I used to think, “How could I ever do that?” or “What would possess me to say those things?” Sadness, hopelessness, & fear — those were the three emotions I wrestled with, daily. I was practically a dumpster fire wrapped in a bow and presented on a silver platter. Thankfully, I moved out of my depression, but was still sad and I couldn’t explain why. I felt hopeless because I didn’t know how I could do what I wanted with my life and still provide for my little family. I had finally exited the confusion and deep, gray abyss that seemingly held me captive and afraid for so long, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that my motivation & talent weren’t good enough. And fear? Fear was a product of acknowledging & embracing the unknown. I wasn’t entirely sure of my life’s path, at the time. I hated the thought of losing time to fear, but wouldn’t dare attempt to live my dreams. The fear of moving forward with my confidence and talent meant that I had to trust in a baseless belief that I would make it, which was terrifying. I felt stifled and misunderstood for a very long time — but that had everything to do with my low self-esteem.
Sometime in 2017, I took a chance and submitted an article for online publication but the process wasn’t easy. Writing the article was a breeze, but submitting it was the difficult part. For days, I toiled with the idea of rejection and not being good enough. I sat, for what seemed like forever, with the article saved on my laptop because I was nervous, apprehensive, and anxious. It took words from a close friend to push me to send it in.
“Why are you so scared? You know it’s good. Just send it in.”
So I did and she was right. It was good and it ended up being published. Reflecting on that, I think about myself and feel it all again — nervousness, lack of self-confidence, and a tinge of excitement. To be completely honest, I feel all of those feelings every time I submit an article or piece of my heart to be published. During that time, I was learning how to love myself and define what self-love & self-respect were. From there, I went on to submit and have plenty more of my articles published. It was a turning point for my confidence & growth — I had finally realized that my experiences were actually helping others and they needed to read how I overcame them so they could overcome theirs. Little did they know that I had so much more inner-work to do.
Now, with my 25th birthday just passing and 2020 finally coming to a close, I’ve chosen to reflect on the last two years of my life. In the last 6 months, alone, I’ve experienced the growth I’d been praying for for more than 3 years. I feel a sense of pride in being able to clearly identify the areas of my life that have improved & flourished.
The strength & wisdom I now have came through mistakes. The love & kindness I now have came through forgiveness. And the confidence & ferocity I now have came through loss. While I’m sure I still have a number of lessons to learn and there are still a myriad of ways I can continually grow, I’m happy to say that I finally feel like I’ve arrived. All of the growth I’ve experienced, by way of lessons-learned, has transformed me into a woman that will share stories and tales of a time when I was just a shy, angsty girl. The growth truly wrote this story and I’m just lucky enough to tell it.
A New York City native, Jewel credits her work ethic, motivation, and drive to her surroundings. Being raised in a no-nonsense Christian family also contributed to her success and disdain for mediocrity. Becoming a single mom at 16 years old wasn’t in the plan, but it was definitely in the cards. Now, at 24 years old, Jewel is a happy self-proclaimed ‘Mama Wolf’ to her children, Gemma (7) & Luke (3). Jewel is a self-help, motivation, and travel writer with credits from various online publications.