Negril In Ya Grill: A Guide on Surviving The Island For The Pretty Brown Tingz

1. Be sure to wear the matching shirt your sister is making everyone wear for your niece’s Sweet 16: The black shirt with the neon green and yellow letters that catches the entire airport's attention since she is the reason for this huge family vacation. Set aside your sense of style for just a day’s travel.

2. When you land in Montego Bay, keep the attitude at a minimum as you get off the airplane. No one wants to stand in line at the airport and no one wants to babysit that line. The woman checking for customs declaration forms is just doing her job.

3. If you did not know who Nanny of the Maroons was before you landed in Jamaica, you will know her personally by the time your toes snuggle into those Cinnamon Toast Crunch sands.

4. Be prepared to have eyes follow you like the moon trails your black Chevy Equinox each night on your way down Woodley Rd.

5. Pack Dramamine, even if you don’t need it. Somebody is going to need it. Jamaicans drive like they are in a high speed chase.

6. When you arrive at your resort, know that you have temporarily walked into God’s living room. Tread softly on the bubblegum lip glossed pearl river marble floors. Admire that chessboard of a lobby and be sure to sit in every oddly white, wood woven chair and couch. Or, stand and stare at the sapphire saltwater sanctuary that will cleanse your soles for the next couple of days. Return an affable smile to the oral ivory towers the bellhops greet you with.

7. Keep all sinful thoughts about the hazel angels that gaze into the coffee creamer spots that rest between your breasts. Remember, you’re still in God’s living room.

8. At the end of the tour of your room, be prepared for a sales pitch. The tour guide will crack a joke, calling your father “big.” Yes, he looks 9 months pregnant. No, she is not referring to him being fat. She is talking about his wallet.

9. When you go to the pool to eat from the food truck, get the Cajun fries and jerk chicken, extra jerk. They are like free tuition and six months paid rent on your tongue.

10. If you pack clothes that make your physique take center stage the moment you step out of your hotel room, be prepared to make new “friends”...DAILY. You have become the sweet ackee apple of every island man’s eye.

11. Be vigil of men that say or ask the following: 

• “Mi en luh wid yuh gyal” 

• I like you”

• “What happens in Jamaica stays in Jamaica”

• “Yuh married?”

• “Where’s your children?”

• “Mi want to give myself to you. Is dat so wrong?”

12. Do not doubt that you are indeed gorgeous as these complete strangers declare you to be. Just don’t allow your tantalizing token of beauty to be a native’s ticket off the island. Hope you’ve caught up on the latest season of 90 Day Fiancé.

13. Do not walk back to your room alone. Ever.

14. At breakfast, you will encounter priceless coos and giggles from a chunky white baby at a nearby table. Do not be surprised if the mother of this child brings them to bounce around in your lap for almost twenty minutes and disappears. White women tend to be very trusting of black women with their children, even if her husband is not.

15. When you get on the bus to go swimming with dolphins, be prepared to say “Yah mon”, “Irie”, and “No problem” in response to the bus driver’s wit, tips, and historical facts.

16. The bus driver’s favorite tip to share goes something like this: “Men on the island drink molasses everyday to put lead in their pencil.”

17. When your nephew asks if the bus driver’s tip about molasses for men is true, tell him to ask his mother. Do not wait to hear her response.

18. When you swim with a dolphin named Desire, be sure not to turn her on; she is not shy about swiping her fin across your ass.

19. When you head back to the resort after being fondled by Desire the dolphin, be sure to ask the bus driver where you can find sugar cane. He has no problem stopping by the rastaman’s hut on the side of the road for such syrupy goodness.

20. When you tell people your last name, their smiles sink a half inch deeper into their cheeks. You happen to share the same last name as the owner of one of the restaurants on the resort.

21. At each meal, you will find that your servers do not necessarily have to like you-they tolerate you. Be grateful nonetheless. It is around the holidays anyways. Tipping is definitely universal.

22. When you put your twists into two buns, realize that you look like Minnie Mouse, Sailor Moon, Princess Leia and any other fictional character random white men can think of to call you from a 20 foot distance.

23. Be sure to get your youngest niece to take plenty of pictures of you. Somehow she always knows how to capture the sensual sorcery of your smile and the gold mines in your skin. Your social media followers will thank her in their hearts.

24. Do not be surprised if you become a celebrity after dancing mindlessly and singing happy birthday to your niece at the foam party. You are now expected to sing at Karaoke that same night. Thanks a lot, Auntie Debbie.

25. Feel free to smile and shake your head to negate any of the following statements though it will be ignored: 

• “Wah part addi island yuh fram gyal?” 

• “Yuh Get Jamaican blood eena yuh mi kno it” 

• “Who a yuh fambly?”

26. When you go to buy souvenirs, walk right past the gift shop, off the resort, across the road to the craft market.That is where the real gold is. Mrs. Pearl appreciates the glare of your coins and the fold of your American dollars more than you’ll ever know.

27. As you’re walking to the market in the perfect island girl attire (azure headwrap especially) hugging your rambunctious curves, be prepared for the endless honks from various motorcycles, cars, and buses that pass by. If you get twenty honks before you make it back to the resort, you are wife material by Jamaican standards. Jamaicans don’t marry too often.

28. At the gas station across the road from the resort, your breath will be snatched from your lungs by the headline “Beheaded Girl Wanted to Study Medicine.” God’s living room can only stretch so far.

29. On the morning of checkout, you will realize that Jamaica is yet another home flowing through your bloodstream. The hugs, kisses, and exchanging of Whatsapp information does not mark the end of your stay.

Madison ‘Mocha’ Hunter’s writing style is best described as lifting a gold trim traced porcelain tea cup to your lips and getting a mouthful of whisky; her works invite you to quiet tea time then transforms your space into an intervention, HBCU Battle of the Bands, and a random sheet ripped from a personal journal all at once. This Detroit, MI, native, who received her Bachelor’s of Arts in English at the University of South Alabama, is one-eighth of Mobile, AL’s award-winning poetry troupe “Powerlines Poetry,” widely known as the spoken word artist “DictionKanari”. This colorful, innovative, and selfless creator has found herself in this pivotal polyamorous relationship with poetry and creative nonfiction and every piece she produces is an argument, a snapshot in her journey of making sense of both genres. Her pen is currently prevailing on the campus of University of Memphis where she is pursuing a Master of Fine Arts in Creative along with a certificate in African American Literature. Ms. Hunter looks forward to sharing her innate gift through books, performances, albums, sermons, and lectures in the near future.