Oh The Places You Will Go
“Mom, thanks for picking up the video call.”
“No problem.”
Seth has a close cropped haircut that reveals our family hairline. His brother has the same. The last time I saw him he bore a frightening resemblance to Charles Manson. He gets nice haircuts in jail.
I know I only have a few seconds to relish the deep wave of love that comes over me when I see his face. It will soon be replaced by the need to fortify myself.
His anger will surface soon and I will be blamed in some way for his suffering.
I’ve had to crawl my way out of the pit that was my obsession with his well-being. It took fifteen years. It felt like a betrayal to him, but it had to happen.
“I have to say goodbye now Seth. Tom (my new husband) is getting a haircut.”
“What about putting ten bucks on my books Mom?”
“No.”
“Okay, when can I call again?”
“Anytime you want to.”
Tom smiles while Julia cuts his hair. The tourists are dragging their luggage down Tahquitz Canyon Way in the June heat. I think about the ways we try to escape our lives, our failures, or the memory of our failures. Trips that put us on streets we have no association with.
When we get home we have chicken salad sandwiches for dinner. I sponge the plates off with warm soapy water. I am aware that Seth is incarcerated. I know his future is uncertain. It is no longer within my power to change that fact. It never was. I notice I am okay.
Tomorrow I may take Seth’s call and regret it. It may fuck up my weekend. But tonight I am okay. The bread from dinner tasted so good, I opened the bag and took out half a piece more for dessert. I put more butter on it than necessary. Thick slabs. A balm that will coat my thoughts so I don’t fall back into the dark place.
*
My bones will rest on a grass-covered hill. It is both natural and synthetic. The fruitless olive trees thrive happily in the California soil, but they didn’t germinate of their own volition; the cemetery is a loose interpretation of the Mount of Olives. The trees have been planted strategically to allow room for the groundskeepers’ utility trucks to comfortably navigate the slopes. High grasses turned saffron sway in the breeze and hawks fly overhead. It’ll do.
I won’t be alone. I got a twofer when the mortuary was promoting their new Simi Hills location. I went for the double-decker internment and saved a bundle. The plan is that I will go first, before my second son Cooper, and his bones will accompany me for eternity. This brings me true peace. Just as he was once enveloped in my womb, we will rest together in the dusty cradle of a California foothill.
The end-of-life planning for Cooper fell to me. He was only 25 when I purchased the plot, but I could see how the future would unfold. He lives in a group home for adults with intellectual disabilities, and although his earthly needs are met in life, the government doesn’t begin to cover burial costs. The thought of his precious body being incinerated or put in a pauper’s grave was more than I could bear.
Tom quipped that if I didn’t make burial plans for myself he would have me cremated, a rascally but effective motivator. He has his affairs in order. Early in our marriage he slipped me the little blue card and told me to keep it in my wallet.
I have Pre-Arranged my cremation with The Trident Society and have provided them with all my personal information and requests for my time of need. In the event of my death please contact…
He is fine with cremation. It was good enough for his parents, so in a way he is following tradition. My family are all buried alongside the 134 Freeway in Burbank.
I know traditional burial practices are antiquated, impractical, exorbitantly priced and politically incorrect. I know there are more ecological methods to dispose of a body. But I don’t want my body, and the bodies of my children, my two sons, to be disposed of. I want them cleaned and cloaked and nestled…in the earth, like Sarah, Rebekah and Leah in the Cave of Machpelah.
*
Seth is in the hospital again, this time they admitted him. After jail I lost contact with him. He no longer carries a phone, wallet or I.D.
He is becoming someone else now. His former identity is fading. Infections are eating away at his body. He refers to himself as Saul.
I speak with his probation officer to see if they can’t admit him to a psychiatric hospital. I still want to save his life.
Officer Tanner explained, “We cannot commit him. He would have to admit himself voluntarily. We paid for a sober house for him, but he left. It is not a crime to be homeless.”
I thank her for the information that I already know and that I have known for years. He turned thirty-one yesterday. I called the hospital to wish him a Happy Birthday, even though there is nothing happy about it. He was polite, but in pain and said he had to go. There is nothing to talk about that hasn’t already been said a hundred times.
*
No words. No sound. No image. I caught him in my net like a fish, a long time ago, and now I release him back into the stream. The shape of his hands remain in my memory. The hands that pulled himself upright, that wrote poetry, that stole cigarettes. The hands that pull a blanket over himself while sleeping under a bridge. I hold those hands forever across time and space, because although we may not speak, we hear each other just fine.
Melissa Jordan Willis writes and draws to process her own struggles with the fractured communication that comes from loving people who are non-verbal, have autism, heroin addiction and schizophrenia. She earned her B.A. at the U.C.L.A. School of Fine Art and Architecture in 1991, and continues to draw and collage daily, sharing work on her blog, Motherland: Survival in the Real World, https://herointalk.blogspot.com/ Her Prose piece entitled “Two Worlds” was published in a 2018 issue of Desert Magazine. Her drawing “Flannel” will be published in an upcoming issue of LitBop: Art and Literature in the Groove, and other artwork will be published in upcoming issues of The Woolf and Indianapolis Review.