The dating app you didn’t know you signed up for
The two words that bartenders can’t wait to say announcing the end of their night — “last call” — rang loud like a gong. Evidently the man next to me considered this moment to claim his last call as well, on me. After a few hours of PG-13 rated flirting in the East Village basement bar, I grab my coat from the black booth we’ve shared with a group of others. His confidence is alcohol-fueled and my “ready-to-go” eyes meet the eyes of my friends. He fidgets with his drink coaster using his last seconds with me to ask “So, what’s your Instagram?”
Whether it was my 3:45 am slippery state of mind or simply needing a whole sixty-second minute to react is still unclear, but what was definite in that moment was my disappointment, followed by a sprinkle of comedic relief.
While I’m still a bit fresh at dipping my toes in the “dating” pool, it doesn’t quite seem like a pool at all. It feels more like an ocean with waves, currents, jellyfish, piranhas and sharks… and in slowing catching onto that, I still wasn’t expecting this question.
When did we start asking for people’s Instagrams before or in replacement of a classic phone number exchange? Did I miss the memo that this is the new thing? Was there a group vote?... because if so, I would have voted no.
The boldness with asking for someone’s Instagram rather than their number is that instead of the feeling of continuation that you get from exchanging numbers with someone, it feels like a screeching halt. A halt that invites a screening stage of scrolling through someone's profile to first see if they’re cool enough, attractive enough outside of the dim bar lighting, and have hobbies that are interesting. If and only if, one passes this screening stage, congratulations you’ve passed to the next round.
As if our generation doesn’t already have an addiction of hiding behind technology to avoid our fear of intimacy, this only allows us to take yet another step further away from raw, awkward, and real interactions.
Let’s evaluate the pros and cons through multiple choice:
A) It’s less romantically direct and “friend-zone'' safe. You have relatives, co-workers, and former classmates on Instagram… but not on Tinder or Bumble.
B) You eliminate the opportunity to be rejected a phone number at all and get to keep your cool
C) In case the sober mind decides they had no idea what they were thinking, they can still keep up with your every move on Instagram and bookmark you in the “maybe later” folder.
D) All of the above.
The same way that dating apps like Tinder or Bumble have a scrolling interaction for approving or denying prospective interests, how is Instagram any different than that now? In the time we take to swipe up, down, left, and right, we are debating what we like vs. don’t like, who we can imagine ourselves involved with vs. who we can’t - essentially asking ourselves, do they match me? I don’t recall willingly signing up for another watered down version of Hinge, and I didn’t download Instagram with dating in mind.
It doesn’t end there though…. cue in Instagram DM. Whoever was on the team and proposed the idea of Instagram DM, I’ll be taking a shot of my favorite Gin to you soon. Initiating a conversation with someone on Instagram DM is quite possibly the most digital cliche stereotype that we millennials can fulfill.
When two people who are equally interested in one another begin texting back and forth, getting to know one another, there is a sense of accountability to keep the conversation going; think a seesaw metaphor if you will. Yet, with Instagram DM, one can leave that seesaw for hours, even days, and pick right back up to where they left off because it’s not a real commitment of conversation. The seesaw can be left on the ground and quite literally left on read because the other person can see when their message has been seen but not responded to. If you’re still bookmarked in the “maybe later” folder, they’ll double tap your last response which leaves a heart icon. To translate this into millennial terms, they have nothing else to say but don’t want to entirely “ghost” you.
Whether it’s someone you’re interested in or just like getting attention from here and there, it is at the end of the day a very comfortable, fluffy safety net for everyone involved to fall back on.
It’s an open playground for people to take a few scrolls, swipe through, and maybe toss out a DM or two with plausible deniability. I’d say the monogamous, most faithful relationship that we all have in common is with none other than the wonderful internet.
Sadly yet admittedly, it now makes me give more respect to someone when they directly ask for my number instead of taking the safer route of Instagram. They are bold and daring enough to skip the screening step? Then they must be king titan, not a jellyfish.
As I’m sure many other people or actually qualified relationship experts have also realized, it’s an undeniably interesting time to be single in the world of social media and the grand digital disruption. I wonder what’s next.
It’s now 3:46am at the bar and lover boy is still inches away in the booth. He fails to retract his confidence until I give an answer. I snap back from my own mind for just enough seconds to reply and lie, “I’m sorry, I don’t have an Instagram”.
To this day, I don’t really know why I lied. Aside from already being turned off, maybe I wanted to believe I, too, was better than the app and the safety net I’ve used to my advantage before. Maybe the drinks in me gave me the courage to imagine someday I may not feel like needing the app to interact with others.
So in honor of last call, maybe I’ll ask for that shot of gin now.
Michelle Barrera is a New York transplant now residing in Los Angeles. Growing up in a fast-paced and diverse environment, she has naturally always gravitated to all forms of creative and human expression - whether it's music, art, or writing. When she's not working in the fashion & beauty field, she is most likely singing at home and hanging with her cat Tequila. Say hi if you want at: https://www.instagram.com/michllbarr/