The Smokescreen Of Happiness

An Unattainable Goal in Permanence; a Nevertheless Relentless Pursuit

I’ve noticed that, more often than not, we catch ourselves yearning for happiness. Remembering happier times — maybe desperate for a smile — in constant pursuit of that gratifying, free feeling that sets us aflame. Reminding us of our untouchable humanity, demonstrating the beauty in sharing such feelings with those we love, even strangers if we really think about it. Happiness as an emotion, undeniably, reigns supreme. Not necessarily in terms of being the most complex or evocative emotion, but in terms of its hold on us. And it pains me to say that because, as a permanence, happiness is so unattainable. 

I don’t mean that in a pessimistic or nihilistic way, but rather in a way that emphasizes how fixated we all are on happiness and on always being or needing to be happy in order to be successful. And “successful” does not necessarily have to translate to monetary or tangible gain. It just has to encapsulate the expectations of our world and the characterization of life as less than, lacking, or embarrassing if we are temporarily or more permanently devoid of it. And why is this? What is this human fascination with happiness and the condemnation of life without it? Why do we always feel the need to rush back to happiness? To suspend all other feelings (all other needed feelings) to reach this status? 

I am the first to admit my preoccupation with happiness and I have spent most of my life in a steadfast pursuit of securing it. But I have trouble understanding why I don’t allow other emotions space. At what point in my life was I told or independently registered that I wasn’t allowed to have any other emotions? When did experiencing sadness, confusion, frustration, and even disappointment become disgraceful? When did these emotions become embarrassing or a waste of time? Instead of processing our more emotionally difficult feelings, and allowing ourselves enough time to fully understand them, we focus on pain (and naturally so, because these feelings are not enjoyable) and try to bring ourselves out through surfaced guilt, embarrassment, or determination to push past and get through gracefully. 

But, why does this have to be graceful? Shouldn’t we be allowed to be messy and figure things out as they come and in our own individual ways, no matter how long it takes or what measures need to be taken? Shouldn’t we be able to have the time — above all things, the time — and support to sit in our emotions and understand them before they understand us? Before the comparison of these emotions to happiness becomes so striking and unnerving that we abandon all lifeboat efforts and wave the white flag, reaching desperately for that comfortable, blissful feeling? And, what is this teaching us? How has dismissing everything “negative” shaped us as individuals navigating our own worlds, deciding things for ourselves, simultaneously in the midst of understanding who we are and how we function? 

In a semi-recent GQ video, The 1975 singer, Matty Healy, was asked about happiness and his heartbreakingly raw answer shocked me. Not because I didn’t expect it from him, but because I had never heard something articulated like that before. He replied: “Happiness is this destination that we’re taught is so important. I think the constant pursuit of happiness teaches us that when you’re not happy, you’re wrong and you’re not wrong, you’re just alive.” What a thing it is to be alive. What a thing it is to be experiencing whatever this is that we are experiencing. This life, this amalgamation of feelings and journeys and trials and triumphs and defeats and rises and most of all, this existence. What a beautiful thing it is to be here: existing, breathing, being. What a daring thing it is to be. 

I have decided I don’t want my life to be a relentless pursuit of happiness. I don’t want to be on my deathbed one day still unaware of how to make sense of and/or experience my sadness. I want to be present and existing, aware of all that is around me and all that constitutes me. So I am letting myself feel sad tonight as I think about all that I’ve lost, missing the people I love and trying to forget those who hurt me, and I will not allow myself to feel ashamed of it.

Julia Sullivan is a recent graduate of Smith College currently conducting virology research in St. Louis, Missouri. In their free time, Julia enjoys going on long nighttime walks, having headphone dance parties, traveling, improvising while cooking, and reading. Their work has been previously published on grainofsaltmag.com. You can find them on Medium @jrsullivan908.