Girl Power Is Real Power
I’m not sure what it will take for society to recognize single women as complete people. Women are relentlessly battling against microaggressions, ingrained biases, internalized misogyny, cultural and religious expectations, and peer pressure, just as a short list. Why is it that no matter what women accomplish and how often we talk about what we’ve accomplished, society still considers women incomplete if they are not in a relationship with someone else? Why do only men still get the privilege of being complete?
I was single for most of my life and dear Christ, I could not stand how people treated me. I was either a wounded animal to be pitied or a lesbian hiding in the closet. Or, a prude for not wanting to date. Or, a bitch who had to lower my standards. Every single woman I’ve known has dealt with at least one of these experiences herself, if not all of them. When I was single and fine with being alone, one of my uncles had asked me at four different family functions if I was gay by the time I turned 20. When I was single and dating around, I had multiple family members and former friends tell me to either lower my standards or take a break from dating altogether. How could a woman--or a young girl for that matter--possibly not want to attach herself to a man as soon as she can? Fuck off.
Yet, my older brother was never questioned. Men and teenage boys get to “be busy” even if they aren’t, or they get to “not want to settle down early” because men are encouraged to date as many women as they can before they decide to get married. It’s always one-half of a situation. People don’t think about if women are too busy to date or that the women these men do date are just having fun too. These women are always either the madonna or the whore. Even in 2021. I say, this is bullshit.
I firmly believe that one way to combat this rampant sexism is for women who are single and women who are in relationships to finally unite. It’s long overdue. Men have been dividing us since the beginning of civilization. At least in America, a man’s affection and attention are no longer needed to survive. Women don’t need to be with a man in order to live anymore. We don’t have to destroy our bodies to catch a man’s eye or rely on gifts of jewelry in case we need to escape. Our progressive foremothers fought mercilessly for us to be independent. Now we have our own bank accounts, so we have money, we have power, we have freedom. Let’s stop using our freedom to bring each other down.
As someone who was single for essentially 21 years straight, I’ve encountered a lot of strange things since being in a long-term relationship. For one, many people thought I would become a different person, which is upsetting. I lost a lot of friends who had felt that they were entitled to all of my time since I had given most of it to them, and that me being in a relationship was an insult to our friendship. People who I had done anything for treated me like I had betrayed them, simply because I started spending time with and caring for someone who wasn’t them. At the same time, I felt a collective sigh of relief from family and friends that a man had finally deemed me desirable. Of course this was not the case, since I had rejected plenty of men myself, but none of that matters when you’re a single woman. The only thing that matters is that you stop being single.
People treat me with more respect now, which is sexist. When I was on my own, I had to do a lot more by myself, which sounds obvious but isn’t until you sit down and think about it. A lot of what I had to do was difficult, and/or at night, and/or in a dangerous place--which as a woman, is anywhere in New York City. Moving when you don’t have another person there to help you, getting all of your errands done without someone else to pick up the slack, traveling everywhere by yourself. I had taken the train alone more times than I can count and each time, I had something in my pocket to use as a weapon. Now I travel with my 6’3 boyfriend and don’t think twice if someone shady is looking at me. If anything, I should’ve been respected more when I was single, but we reward male validation above all else.
I’m grateful to be in a healthy relationship. I have a teammate. He helps me with things I’m slipping on, he emotionally supports me, he comforts me whenever I need. When I was single, I didn’t have that. I had to hold onto and absorb everything on my own, carry it with me, like a stone in my stomach. If I spoke about it, I sounded like an annoying lonely girl. Again, every single woman I know has had a similar experience. I speak on these issues now as a woman in a relationship because I’ve noticed that people don’t listen when single women speak about their own experiences. If you’re single, it’s your fault. There must be something wrong with you. Either men don’t want you because there’s something wrong with you, or you don’t want men because there’s something wrong with you. You couldn’t possibly be a complex person with your own desires and responsibilities.
A single woman and a woman in a relationship who share the same financial status lead two different lives. A single woman who earns the same salary pays for twice the things I do. She pays for two-halves of her rent, two-halves of her gas and electric bill, two-halves of her internet bill, two-halves of her car payment or public transit costs, two-halves of her vacations, and two-halves of her possessions. If she wants a house, she has to pay for two-halves of down payment, two-halves of the mortgage, two-halves of the property tax, two-halves of any maintenance and repairs, and two-halves of anything and everything inside of the house. She should get twice as much respect as I do, but she gets half.
Better still, a man who does all these things on his own is considered a catch.
The problem here is that inferior men are intimidated by independent women. A woman accomplishing everything on her own is an achievement in and of itself, because it is much easier for a man to do the exact same things on his own. The world is designed for them. Instead of women in relationships looking down on single women, we should both turn our heads to look down at these men, men who think of themselves as a gift to the Earth merely by existing. A single man is not better than a single woman and a man in a relationship is not a reward given to the woman who is with him.
In fact, what’s wrong with being a spinster?
A bachelorette is a female bachelor; a spinster is a female...hmm. Just an old lady, I suppose.
At what age do women depreciate from bachelorettes to spinsters? 35, 40?
A 70 year old man is still a bachelor while a 40 year old woman becomes a spinster.
Ageism and sexism intertwine to create a litany of harmful societal and cultural issues, damaging women everywhere. What chance do we have at loving ourselves when we’re told that the most important thing is having someone else to love us, and that there’s a time limit on when that can happen before it’s too late? Why is our happiness and self-worth dependent on finding a husband before we turn 35? Older women expire, and younger girls are sexualized. Women and young girls are taught from childhood to be interested in boys, and when we are, we’re doing it the wrong way. In middle school, many of us begin going through puberty, our hormones spiking and crashing our moods, elevating our insecurity, plummeting our self-esteem, all while physically altering our bodies. We don’t recognize ourselves and we don’t feel like ourselves. People in our classes and even some of our friends start dating for the first time, and we don’t want to be left out, so already we start to learn to settle just to feel included. At age 11.
A single woman is as complete as a woman in a relationship. Women in our 20’s and 30’s need to advocate for teenagers and young girls, calling out sexism whenever we see it, re-assuring them that they are worth so much as individuals, whether they’re single or not. We need to look out for our loved ones who are older than we are, celebrating their achievements, combating ageist misogyny and reminding them that their beauty and self-worth are not defined by time. Women and girls of all ages, those who are single and those who are in relationships, must empower each other. Our relationships to men should never define us; we are more than enough on our own.
Stefania D'Andrea is a prose and comedy writer from Queens, NY. She is one of the original staff readers for the literary magazine Cagibi, where she edits and reviews works of fiction and non-fiction. Her first short story, In Her Head, is published in the 12th issue of Newtown Literary. Many of her comedy sketches have been performed at the People's Improv Theatre (PIT) in New York City in 2018 and 2019. Stefania received her B.A. in English, with a concentration in Creative Writing, from the Macaulay Honors College at CUNY Hunter in 2017.
