Say, Onlyfans

I was in middle school the last time my biggest fear was my parents finding photos of me on the internet. These were the days when Myspace was superior to Facebook, when I had the cast of High School Musical in my top eight and my profile song was probably My Humps.

I didn’t post “inappropriate” photos. My photos were probably the opposite; picture me sporting blue eyeshadow and fuzzy pajamas pants, thinking they were an appropriate garment to not only go out in, but be photographed in as well. * Sashay Away * It wasn’t my parents finding photos of me that scared me, it was them finding out I existed on the internet period.

If the memory I’ve always been blessed with is accurate, my parents found out about Myspace because I left my page open on my dad’s computer. Very surprising for how good of an internet stalker I am today. Ultimately they let me keep it and let me join Facebook a year or so later and by the time I got my first iPhone and downloaded Instagram I didn’t live in fear of how my parents might try and control me because it turned out they were never those kinds of parents. 

Despite this, my mother and I did have some fights over clothing she deemed inappropriate. She  still let me go as a red-hot devil for Halloween when I was nine, but it wasn’t until I was older and she refused to take her dagger eyes off a man on the Subway who would not stop looking back at me that I understood the fear mothers have for their daughters and why they throw the word provocative around when shopping, even at Limited Too.

The older we get, the more we become obsessed with appearance. Despite my previous admission of going out in pajama pants, I was a girl into fashion, concerned with appearances at a very young age. I remember the days before High School when girls started posting the kinds of photos on Myspace or Facebook that could be talked about. This is the first instance I can remember the ways we judged each other for things that did not concern us. I couldn’t imagine posting inappropriate photos at my age, but I could gossip about the girls who did. 

As my parents loosened the little grip they had on my clothes and lifestyle, high school took over. We wore school uniforms and like most Catholic schools, our skirts could not be longer than our middle fingers when we put our arms down at our sides. Our hair had to be a natural color, our earrings could not be bigger than the diameter of a quarter. This couldn’t have been so we wouldn’t serve as distractions to boys, I went to an all girls school. Had a boy set foot through that front door during school hours he would have been greeted with girls in messy buns and unbuttoned pants (don’t ask). They called us Women of Dignity for four years, though I know that’s only what they tried to shape us into. 

It’s been well over ten years since I was introduced to posting photos of myself online and on apps for others to see. We’ve become a society dependent on social media so is it surprising that I feel our attitudes and judgements have only gotten worse? 

We’ve been living life according to a pandemic for almost a year now. Shortly before lockdown orders were in place I learned what Onlyfans was. This came from a friend joking, asking if I had an Onlyfans- not understanding how I afforded to take spontaneous trips to New York or San Francisco, nothing overly extravagant I might add. I googled it before responding: Me? An Onlyfans? I think I’m annoying enough on Instagram, please. 

Whether we like it or not (and I like it), Onlyfans has changed up the game and started a chain of conversations some people are uncomfortable having. It’s a new decade, posting the nudes you’ve never admitted you enjoy taking serves a purpose. There are times I wonder what is stopping us from all doing this. At 25, I’ve made the majority of my money accepting tips as a server or a bartender - jobs that many assume don’t pay very well and sometimes they don’t, but once I got over my I don’t have a 9 to 5 pity party, I thrived and enjoyed what I was doing a lot more. 

So what is stopping us? Lack of confidence? Pride? The shame of our parents finding out? That’s all fine and this is in no way a call to action for all women to join Onlyfans, I’d have to make one for myself for that to be fair. My point is, what’s stopping some men and women are the same things that are being used to pass judgment on others who live differently.  

There has been this story circulating the past few days about three kids in Sacramento who were expelled from their school because of their mother’s Onlyfans page. This infuriates me. Other moms from this school harassed this woman, printed out her photos, sent them to the Principal and other members of the church. Even the bishop I even read in one article. They called it disgusting, they called it gross and I guess it is safe to say it didn’t matter to them that this Onlyfans page came into existence to help a woman going through menopause rekindle her marriage and feel confident again. It wouldn’t matter either that both Crystal Jackson and her husband run this account together. So, it seems the issue is that Crystal Jackson chose to do this in general. Please read the following with claps in place of periods:

What. Does. This. Have. To. Do. With. You?
How. Has. This. Woman. Wronged. You?
Why. Are. You. Involving. Yourself. In. Business. That. Does. Not. Concern. You?

I don’t need to read an entire article to guess how her page was discovered. It was a fellow dad from the school. Sir, what were you doing on Onlyfans? Were you lost? Did your wife know about this? Better let her in on it and slut shame the mom next door before she checks the internet history. What bothers me most is Crystal Jackson saying this: “It’s that confidence that you gain that you’re like… maybe I do feel sexy, or maybe I am sexy.”

Why is it that men and women, whether or not they have once felt empowered through confidence and sex appeal, feel the need to tear that down for someone else and publicly shame them? It’s 2021 and this all sounds a little too much like The Scarlet Letter. Even Easy A came out 11 years ago. 

We don’t gain anything from passing judgment on other women. Confidence is something we all struggle with whether it’s private or public. Money is just another thing we’ve been told we’re defined by. So, if you had the ability to bring home 150 thousand dollars a month doing something that made you feel happy, confident and empowered, why wouldn’t you? Why do we still pass judgment along for how others make their money. I’m sorry, I mean to say, why do we judge women for how they make their money? Why has one of the most repeated lines in reality tv this year been, “She’s entertaining men for money,” (If you can picture me mouthing that out like I have Vaseline on my teeth, I’ll know you watch the Bachelor too).

We don’t talk enough about how important it is to feel confident, instead we judge others for how they get there when in reality there’s no reason for that. Judging someone for doing something you, yourself, would never do, or find uncomfortable does not make you any better than them. There is no redemption when we live our lives as young girls being molded into someone else’s image to only grow older and echo the judgments that were once placed on us.

Sexism is when we spend time criticizing Kim Kardashian, Emily Ratajkowski, Crystal Jackson, a girl from our freshman year Chemistry class for taking the slightest sexy photo and posting it. Sexism is when we judge women for having an Onlyfans and not a “real job” when in reality they might be making more than all of us. Sexism is when we don’t bat an eye at guys like Jordan Belfort for money laundering and give him a book deal and a cameo in a movie that glorifies his wrongdoings. 

Missy Elliot sure was onto something when she said hit us with the, “Girls, girls, get the cash. If it's nine to five or shakin' you ass. Ain't no shame ladies, do your thing. Just make sure you ahead of the game.”

I live my days during this pandemic writing. I work through my writing with a quote in mind from an author who once did a lecture for a memoir class I took. She said, “Write as if everyone you know is dead.” I’ve always been an open book, there is very little I find uncomfortable talking about, but I understand not everyone is that way. The same way confidence exudes on social media for some and not others. I wonder how much better we’d feel if we all lived without caring what others thought? And even more, how better of people we’d be if we stopped judging for things that don’t concern us. 

Now, go take a sexy photo, or don’t, but don’t hate on those who do.

Victoria Crowe is a writer, editor and founder of You Might Need To Hear This. Originally from Queens, NY, she studied creative writing in San Francisco and has since moved to Los Angeles. She writes both fiction and nonfiction and finds her poetry is usually decent after a bottle of wine. Her work has been published in Harness Magazine, Herstry Blog, and District Lit. She is currently finishing up her second novel and afterwards plans to start her first.