those four little words

I can’t help but laugh at the times when people say those words too soon. I think almost everyone waits for the day their partner says “I love you.” When someone feels it is said too late, the relationship is probably over. There’s never really a perfect time to say it, you know? 

I haven’t said those words to anyone, romantically, in a good while. I’m talking over 3 years. My relationships within that timeframe just never got that far. My ex – let’s call him Eric – was great. We were good friends since 2013. He was one of my closest confidants. He loved my kids and my kids loved him. He is a sweetheart, he is silly, smart, motivational. He pushed me to be my best self and seemed to check all of my boxes, but a few weeks ago, something he said to me unexpectedly kicked me back into a motivational gear that I forgot I once had, a mindset I haven’t been able to get out of since. 

It probably felt like the millionth time to him. I mentioned that I was considering leaving my current career field, one I’ve been in for almost 6 years, to pursue my passion and goal of being a full-time writer and working for myself. I had gone back and forth with the idea a few times because there are different variables to consider, but I’ve mainly wavered with this decision because of a deep-rooted fear of failure. What shocked and almost infuriated me was, without batting an eye, he said, “Yeah, you’re not going anywhere.” What he said was eerily reminiscent of a time a few of my family members underestimated me and, because I wasn’t as strong then as I am now, it assisted my plunge into depression. The difference between then and now is that Eric’s words shifted me into overdrive. This part of myself had been dormant for so long that I completely forgot it existed. It wasn’t intentional, but it was necessary. Ever since then, I’ve been examining myself, my relationships and my intentionality with my goals.

With examining myself and my relationships, there was one I knew I had neglected and tried to push aside: my relationship with Jesus. The Good Lord that probably holds His head every time I accidentally let out a swear word. The Good Lord that loves me no matter how sarcastic I can be. The Good Lord that promises me life and life more abundantly. You’re probably wondering why I tried to silence this relationship. Well, having a relationship with Jesus involves taking the road less traveled. It entails making a conscious decision to not take the easy way out. This also means there were a particular set of standards I let fall by the wayside, as well. For example, abstinence. Ha, that shouldn’t even be an example, but was the main one I let fall by the wayside. Along with that, I remembered how important it once was for me to be able to pray with my partner and if my partner wasn’t comfortable praying for or with me, there was a problem. Self-examination forced me to be honest with myself, which ultimately meant I had to admit how important and deep rooted my spirituality is. The people that I once let represent Jesus and my vision of spirituality let me down, but Jesus has never let me down and in rekindling my relationship and recommitting myself to Him, I find it is a part of me that I can’t get away from. Conviction will do that to you.

Ending our relationship wasn’t the easiest decision to make, but when it came down to it I was surprisingly strong and unwavering about it. When I know deep down in my soul and in my heart-of-hearts what needs to be done to achieve happiness, it’s almost like my soul sends a message to my heart to prepare for the possibility of my mind wavering and going back on my decision. Eric asked if this was the end and I immediately thought, “Well, we can still be friends,” but my heart said, “Now, girl. You know full and well…” I knew right then this was my ultimate act of self-love and even with knowing what I was gaining, I wasn’t entirely concerned about the end of our romantic relationship. It was the possible loss of our friendship that hurt. The following night I cried because I just wanted my friend, but then I was reminded that I was growing again. I remembered that by stepping out of my comfort zone, I was making room for my creativity to flow again.

Back in March, I kind of said those three little words through text, but verbatim, the text said “I think I love you.” Now, here we are at the end of June and the tune has changed. That “I love you,” has turned to “I love me more.” It doesn’t mean that I don’t still have love for him, but I’ve realized that growing up and growing into self-love sometimes means outgrowing particular standards and people. There is no love lost – just the right amount of courage to walk away for the sake of my self-love.

Stepping away from the relationship meant risking the loss of a friend and I had to be okay with that because at the end of the day, I loved my friend and what we had, but I love me more. I must admit that I still feel bits of emptiness & grief and want to cry when I realize he has blocked me on social media, but those emotions are expected because even through my self-love, I’m still human and knowing that I’m getting reacquainted with my fierce, strong-willed, highly motivated spirit definitely helps take the edge off.

A New York City native, Jewel credits her work ethic, motivation, and drive to her surroundings. Being raised in a no-nonsense Christian family also contributed to her success and disdain for mediocrity. Becoming a single mom at 16 years old wasn’t in the plan, but it was definitely in the cards. Now, at 24 years old, Jewel is a happy self-proclaimed ‘Mama Wolf’ to her children, Gemma (7) & Luke (3). Jewel is a self-help, motivation, and travel writer with credits from various online publications.